ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize