I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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