He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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