i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
