You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
