At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
