This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
