Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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