you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
