Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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