So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
