I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
