I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Randomize
