I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
