You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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