I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
