A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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