I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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