So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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