were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize