If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
