Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
