A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
