Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize