a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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