The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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