Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
