i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
