Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
