she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
