he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
