Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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