This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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