Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
