Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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