??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize