just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
