dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
