Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
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