Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
