Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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