just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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