im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
