Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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