i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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