and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize