Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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