I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
