She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think i got beer on your cat.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
