i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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