Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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