i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am available for nakedness
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize