So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
