dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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