My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
