I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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