i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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