grandma shit on top of the toilet
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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