I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize