The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
