Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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