I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
