Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
