Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
