my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize