I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
