Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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