Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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